today I was told.

This is a journal entry from a few weeks back and I had been praying about if I should share it or not and well, as you can see I'm sharing it.

In today’s society people say things they don’t mean, right? I mean that is what they tell you if you confront them about what they told you. They lie to you so they don’t get in trouble. They turn on you.

Right now, I’m broken. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in seventh grade. I overcame depression in ninth grade and came to know Jesus the next summer. My anxiety wasn’t as bad as it used to be. But, I didn’t just get help from Jesus. I was so against the idea of having counselor. You have to be crazy to go to a counselor, right? No. After years of being forced into therapy sessions with therapists and counselors I hated with a passion, I met one that could understand me and Jesus. She knew Jesus too. I was frustrated the minute I stepped into her office but by the end of the hour, I knew I could trust her. I knew that she was going to help me.

I struggled with depression. I will never deny that. It is a very serious illness that is very difficult to treat. It is also hard for those around you because they don’t understand and they don’t know what will set you off. I didn’t want to share this but this is the truth and it is helping me overcome depression still to this day. I had thoughts of suicide in eighth grade. I had no real friends, I didn’t feel like I could trust my parents, I had no adults or leaders to talk to. I thought about it often but never actually considered doing it to myself. After that eighth grade year, I never thought about it again until today.

Why today? Because today I was told to kill myself. You don’t need to know who told me that. That is for me to deal with, personally. But, yes someone had the urge to tell me to kill myself. If I was in eighth grade with the deep depression I had, I probably would have. But today as I was told this and many other things about myself, that I was fat, had no friends, and that is why people don’t like me because I over react. I didn’t freak out when I was told this, I was caught off guard. Who would say such a thing? Especially to a person who has dealt with depression in the past. Well, apparently that person. I sat on the chair with an empty heart. I couldn’t bear to talk or to stand up. All emotions poured out. I cried for the first time in forever. I went to my safe place and sat there awhile. I just couldn’t understand why someone would say such a thing. As I sat there I prayed that Jesus would heal my open scars, that he would fill my heart with Him, and that I remember how much He did for me. As I sat there I remembered the verse that I had posted on instagram that morning. Psalm 143:8, “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.”

Resting in Jesus was all I could do, I didn’t want to tell anyone at that point. I spent some time alone, resting and taking time for myself. As dinner came around I went downstairs to talk with my family. We were sitting there talking as I told them what had happened. There is another story to this but it is not mine to share. My parents immediately did not understand. They blamed me. They thought that I was over reacting. So, I did what my counselor and I had worked on. Don’t react, walk out. So, I walked out but they wouldn’t leave me alone. I walked away. Well, actually I drove but that is beside the point. I drove to spot where I go when I am frustrated. I sat there in tears not understanding why my parents don’t understand my side of the story. I called two people I can confide in and both did not answer. I looked up and cried, “why?”. My brain was fried, I couldn’t even think about it anymore. I needed Jesus. I turned on my radio to the Christian music station and the song Lord I Need You came on immediately. (If you don’t know my testimony, worship is a HUGE part to it. It is how I talk with Jesus) I could barely believe my ears. Right there I felt Jesus’ arms wrapped around me. Still in tears and my parents calling me every five seconds the next song came on. Can you guess? Mighty to Save. He is mighty to save. I was in awe at that point. Minutes ago my heart was broken and now, my heart is overflowing with Jesus. As I sat there one of my dearest friends/leaders called me back. I answered not really wanting to talk. I didn’t share every detail of how my day played out but enough for her to remind me that Jesus understands. Literally. I could hear her excitement about sharing the story of Jesus when he was twelve and he stayed behind in Jerusalem while his parents went back home without them knowing. His parents were frustrated and worried as they tried to find Him and when they did, they didn’t understand. People marveled at what Jesus was teaching them yet his own parents couldn’t wrap themselves around it. [Luke 2:41-52]

After we talked about that story she reminded me again of the verse I posted on instagram that morning and how much that verse meant to her when she came to know Christ. We sat and talked on the phone for a little while longer and she prayed for me. When I hung up the phone with her, I was in tears yet again. But this time, they were not tears of brokenness. They were tears of joy and hope. When I went home, I opened my Bible back to Psalm 143. It reads this, “Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you. The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in the darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed. I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. I spread out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land. Answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. Rescue me from my enemies, Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;  destroy all my foes,for I am your servant.”

I prayed this tonight as I read it and I pray that you pray it too. He is faithful, he is my hope, he loves me more than I will ever know. And he is the same for you.

“I will not fear, his promise is true, my God will come through always” from Kristian Stanfill’s song Always